Four weeks after my project “ends”, and I can’t help but wonder…

(anyone get the Sex and The City reference there?)

Well first of all, I guess the blog is ending, but this so-called-project is an ongoing life learning experience for me. Because the things I learned I’ll take with me forever, and I continue to feel as though this project lives on…and will…for eternity.

Oy that’s a little overwhelming. I’ll tell you why.

I’m sort of back to my old devices. The changes I made – they didn’t stick. My weight is still a little down, my clothes fit ok some days, some days not so much, and I think it’s a direct outcome of the sugar, water, wheat intake.

So the project failed…
Because the changes I made to feel so great, didn’t stick.
Because I’m back to my old devices like I said, eating poisonous-for-me wheat, nibbling on sugary things, and other annoying stupid things I do that make me feel kinda crappy.
Because self-coaching maybe doesn’t really work, and you do need a person (ideally not yourself!) to really champion you through this process.
Because I lost my motivation after the Wedding Day passed and didn’t REALLY cultivate a deeper motivation – one within myself – to keep on going.
Because, because, because…

But also, the project was a success…
Because I DID fit into the dress on Wedding Day.
Because I really wanted to show all of you what this process is like.
Because I learned some amazing things about myself along that way that are life long lessons.
Because  I got a bit of publicity and hopefully (fingers crossed) impacted someone, somewhere.

So what would I coach myself in this last post having these final thoughts in these last moments?
Celebrate your successes, Rebecca.
Take with you all your lessons learned and build on them, Rebecca.
And know that your potential, your confidence, and your ability to grow and learn is limitless, Rebecca.

I don’t want to give up. I don’t want to stop. So I’ve decided, as an opportunity plopped into my lap at the end of this project, to keep going.

But this time, I’ll be the coach, and Jessica will be the client. I’ve got 8 weeks to prepare her to be “Reunion Ready”. I hope you’ll check it out and join us because both of us could really use your support.

http://www.reunionreadyin8weeks.com

A Yoga Room with a View

Maybe you remember around Day 9, I hit up some yoga classes while visiting Philadelphia for the Passover holiday. Stillpoint Studio, where my family practices – is really stunning. Check out the view from my mat.

I’ve been saving up this photo for a while just for you guys. Let me tell you about it.

I was in some seated pose, sweating my tushie off in the heated room gazing out the window. And peeking through behind the wall, and the fence, and the bushes, and the trees, and no joke – it’s hard to see – the barbed wire on top of the fence, were these bright blue patches of clear sky.

Also if you recall, I was really nervous going into this weekend. Passover treats and heavy meals abound to tempt me into a complete backslide, I was struggling to make a plan to get through it all.

And then it hit me all of the sudden in class – as epiphanies often do when you’re breathing deeply into your contorting and sweaty yoga body:

Sometimes, in order to reach the beautiful blue sky you have to scale a wall, climb a fence, fight your way through barbed wire and then machete chop your way through the brush.

And the crazy part was that I could SEE the sky through all these “obstacles” in my way. I could SEE what I wanted, but there’s way a lot in my way – too much almost – it seemed almost too daunting to even imagine getting through all of it. How perfectly fitting for where I was on Day 9.

In other non-metaphorical words, sometimes you have to go through a lot of muck, be scared, fight battles, feel your fears, find your resolve, and figure out how to get around what’s in your way, in order to reach your big beautiful goals.

And most of the time, you’re going to hate it while you go through it all. (That’s the loathing.) It’s going to be messy and painful and you’re going to get scratched up and battered a bit. And then you’ll emerge. Stronger. Smarter. Bolder. Resilient.

In fact, what I realized a couple days ago also, is that the most rewarding things that have come into my life, have been a direct or indirect result of my own big hairy fears and climbing through barbed wire to reach them.

So if you’re feeling stuck, can’t see the blue sky, yet have even an itty-bitty feeling of hope that there’s a patch of it somewhere, think about what scares you. Think about what scares you so much it makes your palms sweaty and your heart race. Think about it, feel it, see what happens. You might surprise yourself and find that it’s worth getting a bit scratched in order to lay flat out in the sunshine under blue sky.

I’m going to have to gush a bit and go off track because first and foremost, forgetting all this business about the dress and the weight loss and sugar and obstacles and plans, because the wedding was so fun, beautiful, smooth, celebratory, meaningful, spirited and lovely. Check it out.

Kim, The Beautiful Bride

The Elated Dancing Newlyweds, Mike & Kim

The Bride and Team Kimpossible

Bridesmaid Jenny and Me

Yay Nicole is here!

Some healthy eats with Bridesmaid Ann.

And some not-so-healthy eats....Mmm, Funky Monkey Bread

So as you can see, I fit the dress, I had a great time, I moderated, I indulged, I was able to fully enjoy and appreciate what we were all there for – to celebrate the happiness of my friends and join her in it. And man did we celebrate.

Because the next day, happy and exhausted as I was after a weekend long fun-filled festival of nuptial celebrations, I was hungover as shit. But you know what? It was ok. It was worth it. Moderation in moderation and that means, going bananas sometimes. And forgiving yourself for it.

I have some final thoughts and lessons learned yet to share. And of course, I am dying to know what’s going to me happen now? My four weeks are up, but by my calculations, I’ve got about 3100 left to go.

Last day of my project. Tomorrow is IT. THE WEDDING DAY! LOVE LOVE LOVE is in this DC AIR!

Does the dress fit? I know you’re dying to know. Yes, I’m in. I can breath. This week again, my path took a little sideways journey however and I don’t think I’m at my peak of comfort because frankly this week was crazy busy and stressful and my own personal down time – just didn’t even exist.

Dear Yoga – I miss you. I’ll be back to you soon.

So the question also came about during dinner with Team Kimpossible (all of Kim’s lovely Bridesmaids) at Bistro Du Coin on Wednesday night, how does your dress fit? We were all curious about each others’ dresses. Bride Kim was there too. Thus ensued a round robin conversation which ended with “This has got to go in the blog.”

After two rounds of drinks, it all came out. (I have to admit I’m slightly nervous about what I’m about to share and hoping that, for the sake wedding symmetry, no one kills me)

Bridesmaid #1: Well I might have to get myself some Spanx because you know…
Me: Pantylines?
BM #1: Well no, my thighs, they stick out sideways and we may need to suck that all in. (sidenote she’s got this dry smile on her face while saying this, like these are her old dear friends she’s speaking of – her thighs)….(and aren’t they really?)

Me: Really yours stick out sideways? Oh mine stick our front-ways! I’ve always had this enormous obsession with the line above my knee and how far out it sticks!!!
BM#2: Uh, you mean, your really defined leg muscles?
Me: NO!!! Ever since I was a little girl I’ve been obsessed with the above-the-knee thigh line and how mine stick way out front and, well it’s hard to explain.  Remember Kim I told you about this, one night in NYC?! Why can’t my thighs be normal and have a small circumference above the knee just like below? I had never admitted that to ANYONE before.

Me: And her response was like – “I hate my skinny ankles” – (skankles?) – I wanted to kill her!
Bride: No! Well it’s not my skinny ankles, it’s more like, you know, my ankle to thigh ratio.
Me: Right, ok fine. It’s above the Vicky Mendoza Diagonal (obscure How I Met Your Mother reference – high five to any who is cracking up right now)

BM#3: Well I will never forget when I was getting measured for my costume in the 7th grade play and after measuring my bust, mom said, “Oh don’t worry about her hips and waist, they’re the same as her bust.” Tiny.

BM#4: Well I always hated my calves – they’re look like square boxes. What’s up with that? I mean, high heels just kill it for me.

OK so you know how these conversations go. And I have to admit, here’s the funny part, each of the women are highly successful, highly independent, intelligent, confident feminine forces of nature.

And yet, we’ve all got “our thing.” It got me to thinking, how lovely and normal it is to have this – this part of your body that you have this unique (often skewed) perception of, that likely stays with you all your life. No matter how many people say otherwise, no matter how many compliments you get, it doesn’t go away.

And what’s so wonderful about all this, is that I think by round robin-ing about our “body things”, I felt more normal and comforted about my thighs than ever before. The reassurance that comes with knowing that we can love our bodies (I think all of us do) and we can also knit-pick about something, and appreciate it, and LAUGH OUT LOUD lots and lots about it, is kind of, well, a beautiful, perfect-imperfect world kind of thing.

The one after-thought however, I have to throw in my because of my Yoga Teaching nature, is to ask – “does this obsession grip you?” Does it prevent you from doing, being, or having whatever it is you need or want in your life? Does it cause you great anxiety to the point of distress? This is the question to ask, and to answer honestly, because then, if it does, it’s not all fun & games, round-robin champagne toasts and silly comforting laughter.

And I certainly do believe, even though you may not be able to change your above-the-knee thigh line, you may be able to change your relationship with it. And that’s what matters.

Let’s make this simple. An itemized presentation of challenges and strategies and results from this day long bridal celebration two days ago. And why it is that I won. Read on.

Challenge #1: $3 Mimosas at Tabaq. (How gorgeous is this place? We had a bee-YOU-tiful sunny rooftop view).
Strategy #1: Ask for water. Drink 3 classes of water for every Mimosa. I had 2 over 3 hours.
Why I Win #1: Keeping dehydrated while drinking alcohol allowed me to enjoy a bit of bubbly without getting too buzzed, which impairs healthy decision making.

Challenge #2: Brunch Entrees filled with breads, cheeses, sweets, and french fries.
Strategy #2: Stick with my guns. I order an omelet with fruit.
Why I Win #3: It was delish! And I ate slowly due to all the conversations going on. I filled up before I finished my omelet and left it on my plate.

Challenge #3: Cupcakes!
Strategy #3: Eh, loosen up and let yourself have some. Let go of any guilt.
Why I Win #3: I ate 3. They were delicious! And didn’t kill my calorie count. I’m happy.

Pause. Go home. I downed a bunch of water and rested up before stop #1 on our evening – Cantina Marina on the SW waterfront. I wasn’t confident I’d have healthy dinner options so instead I ate at home beforehand (a pile of Kale with chicken on top and dressing).

Challenge #4: Many many drinks and shots and fun all around-ness.
Strategy #4: One of my besties is getting married and it’s time to celebrate. Let go, Let be, and Have Fun.
Why I Win #4: I forgot all about my diet, my plans, my obstacles, my strategies. I totally dove into having fun with friends, making the bride giggle lots, dancing, and to be frank, much boozing. It was a blast and any stress I was still holding onto because of the darn blog and my darn dress just melted away.

I’m starting to get really excited about Saturday – the BIG DAY! It’s getting so close I can taste it, and instead of feeling stressed out (you may remember around Day 17 when I was super anxious about sustaining these seemingly impossible-to-stick-to changes), I feel – well, really cool.

Not like, hip-cool. But confident, relaxed, excited, self-efficacious…changed. I made a batch of Snicker Doodles the other night for the Rehearsal Dinner and since I substituted Crisco with Coconut Oil because Crisco is gross and delicious and I’m pretty sure the FDA should take that shit off the shelves, I had to taste test them. I didn’t even want to. Sugar? Meh. I’d rather have a banana.

OK maybe there’s still a little doubt in my head because after reading that last line I just wrote, the thought that popped into my mind is, “Yeah right! How long is that going to last?!”

I guess that’s a question for Coach Rebecca.

Today is a the big day! Well not THE big day – but the big almighty obstacle day. The combined bridal shower and bachelorette party day. I’d deign to even call it an entire “obstacle course” including a “feats of strength” – me vs sex, drugs, and rock n roll. Or rather, me vs sugar, wheat, and alcohol.

I should feel pretty confident right? I mean, HOLY COW, look what came up at the spontaneous weigh-in at Vida Fitness yesterday:

I have to admit I didn’t really intend to weigh myself, because at this point, feeling as great as I do, and fitting into the dress as well as I am right now, my actual weight is somewhat irrelevant.

But I have to admit something I’m embarrassed and ashamed: I really really want to hit the 120s. OK there, I said it.

Maybe it’s completely egotistical and anti-yogic of me, but bringing my weight down to 129 seems like the ungettable-get, the impossible-feat, the completely unattainable. It’s sort of like my handstand – I just don’t think I’ll EVER be able to stick it! I’ve been trying since I was a little girl, and it’s still a mystery to me!

So my gut tells me this is really about accomplishing something that seems totally out of your reach. Doing something you believe in your heart and through your bones and all bazillion cells you have, that you can’t do it. And then, somehow, some way, DOING IT! That’s what 129 means to me. Maybe my next project should be 28 days to Handstand…hmmm…(I’ll NEVER be able to do it!)

So back to the plan for today. How am I going to pass up delicious brunch yummies, bountiful mimosas, bar food, late night snacks, I could go on…but I think I actually have the answer:

I never thought this would actually be true, but after working hard for 3 weeks, and feeling the effects of the changes I’ve made, sugary sweets, drinks and fatty fried foods, actually, truly, honestly, don’t appeal. I swear to god.

I wouldn’t lie to you. And I’m going to reiterate, I’ve heard for years about people who go on cleanses, fasts, and detoxes, and the first day or week or whatever, is TORTURE , so they say, and then after that it’s smooth sailing. They say your body actually reprograms itself and doesn’t want for these things.

And I’m feeling it – and I’m going to ride that wave all the way through today. AND HAVE A TON OF FUN TOO!

Pictures to come I’m sure. See you on the other side!

The Video Diary speaks for itself today.

I think my next post is going to be a really important one. Huge. I’ve been looking forward to writing this one for almost two weeks.

Thanks for everyone’s support! I think without this blog, without your comments and posts on Facebook, I wouldn’t have made it. If you’ve been missing the conversation on Facebook – just send me a friend request so you can join in!

This morning I was feeling really stuck, and didn’t know how to coach myself out of it.

I got some great support from my Facebook Friends who are reading my blog. I’m very thankful for that and it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside that I have a whole team behind me cheering me on. But I still wasn’t moved to get past my stuckness.

So I realized I had been slipping on some of the things I’d committed to doing in order to help me reach my goal.
1. I haven’t been saying my Vision Statements aloud morning and night. In fact it became a bookmark in one of the many novels floating around the apartment.
2. I have not been keeping up with my tracking system of recording my successes on a regular basis. Check this out. Totally lacking any updates for this last week plus total emptiness over Passover weekend when I was out of town.

3. I haven’t been doing meditation regularly. Or at all for that matter. Sure I sit for yoga, sure I was doing some resting, but I hadn’t gone down for a nice long sit.

And so, just after I published this morning’s post. I decided to have one.

And thank goodness because you always rely on Tara Brach to give some sage advice when you’re feeling stuck. As I sat there trying to get my mind to settle down from its usual dialoguing, and my 25-minute guided meditation mp3 was almost over, out comes the best advice I could give myself.

“See how much it’s possible to relax with what’s happening.”

And then I remembered about double arrowing. DUH! And that is a whole long post, or even a whole entire blog in and of itself, but let me give you the gist in the context of my journey.

Bad, yucky, painful, stressful, difficult stuff happens in life. We never wish upon ourselves or others, alas, (sh)it happens. Daily. So 1) you’ve got the difficult things that are happening, and 2) you’ve got the way we judge ourselves for how we’re dealing with the difficult things that are happening.

Read that again.

If we can just relax a little, and let go of our self-berating, self-judgment, self-criticism, just a LITTLE TEENY bit, and RELAX with what is happening, and just DO what we have to DO to resolve or get through the difficult situation, then wouldn’t that be quite a relief?

So to tie it together, if I could just RELAX a little, accept where I am, embrace its difficulty without berating myself for my performance, I might just be a little less stressed and I might be able to keep on truckin.

I realized something yesterday. I’m obsessed. And it’s driving me crazy.

I knew that one major component of this effort was going to be stress management. I even put it into my plan:

1 month goals #3-4

3. Meditate for 25 mins, take a yoga class, or strike a Restorative Yoga pose for 10-15 mins every day EVERY DAY.
4. Put a heated herbal pack on my stomach every night as I go to bed.

And have I been doing those? Eh, kind of. Maybe about 1/2 the time.

Those practices were intended to help me manage the stress of my non-fourweekstosize4 life. But what I didn’t anticipate or plan for was the stress this actual project would cause me, how it could impact me, and what I might put in place to manage it.

So here we have obstacle #2. Self-imposed obsession about all these changes I’m trying to make in a very short period of time.

I think constantly about this project. I’m always worrying about what I’m going to eat, whether I’m going to make good choices or bad ones, whether I have the right foods in the house, whether I’m going to say, “eh, this little bit of pita bread wont matter” and eat it anyway, whether I’m going to fit the dress and be comfortable, or have a day where I can’t breathe and be irritated by it the whole time.

I am putting so much time and energy into this that I can’t stand to think I’m going to fail. Now THAT is a stressful, obsessive thought!

So my coaching knowledge tells me that it’s obvious this is happening, and it may even be obvious that I am slipping. Because I am trying to make too many changes too quickly. Four weeks is certainly enough time to loose 6 lbs, but it’s not really enough time to make all these changes feel really natural and easy. It’s not enough time to make behavior changes stick. It’s not enough time to take tiny baby steps week to week and let those changes really sink in! Baby steps, that’s the key.

Well I don’t have time for that. And I’m getting confused and basically feel like giving up. Because I’ve set myself up to fail due to the fact that I’ve only given myself 4 fours to make these changes stick.

So here I am, asking myself, “Self, how would you coach Rebecca-Size-6 now?”

And I don’t have the answer yet.

It’s really important to celebrate your tiny successes on your journey to dress fitting…and in life. And it seems I’ve been celebrating a bit too much this week. But I’ve had a LOT of fun, perhaps too much.

There was Social Scrabble with Andrew where you do NOT turn down homemade Mango Sorbet. Social Scrabble is where you play fast and furious for fun words rather than deliberately and competitively for points. It’s FUN.

But what I also didn’t turn down were two classes of Bubbly with St Germain and MAN was I in a foul mood the next morning. I had an awfully good time with Andrew and then a plain awful morning mood-wise. I am starting to believe, by truth in evidence, that sugar puts a serious damper on my mood. Man was I a cranky pants.

There was another catch-up with a friend lunch where I totally dove off path and had some sticky yummy thai food. One meal isn’t going to kill me . But…

There was also blood-sugar-got-way-too-low-too-quickly and it was too late in the evening to go out to the store so I grabbed for the one thing I could make in a pinch before I passed out – a frozen Pesto Pizza from Trader Joes. I LOVE them. Bread + Dairy + probably some added sugar = not passing out, which is good, but not sticking to my diet.

Then there was the funnest of all, Trapeze class where I got to learn a new trick called the “Shooting Star”…

which ended up in celebrations including a couple of these:

So put it all together and what’s that spell?
A weight gain of almost 2 lbs. Yup. You heard it.

So I got a little cocky, lost sight of my vision, and had some terrible fun this week. Am I thrilled that I had so much fun? YES. Am I aware of my successes? YES – Water intake rocked, exercise was on par, fun-factor (which reduces my stress levels) was at an all time high. But but but but but but. There’s the buts.

So it’s time to get serious, get back on track, strategize for the upcoming 14 days I have left. Plenty of time, but I’m in need of some serious coaching. I’m hoping my blog followers (my cheerleading team!) can help!